27.12.2015

Baru aja kelar bokap gue 7 harian. Gue pikir hari ini bisa jadi hari yang menyenangkan dengan gue ke gereja, ngerayain 7 bulanan cipar, dan jenguk oo gue yang katanya uda mulai stabil. Tapi ternyata ga seindah itu. Pagi setelah pulang dari gereja, gue dikasih kabar kalo oo gue uda meninggal...

Kaget. Banget. Karena gue pikir oo gue uda mulai stabil dan gue akhirnya bisa ngunjungin dia setelah lepas 7 hari bokap. Tapi ternyata kenyataan berkata lain, sebelom gue sempet jenguk, tiba - tiba kondisi oo gue drop dan ga lama akhirnya meninggal. Kembali kita diselimuti suasana duka. Gue tadi akhirnya ke rumah duka, setelah agak memaksa. Mengingat pengalaman dengan bokap gue yang masuk dan tutup petinya berlangsung dengan interval yang singkat banget, gue pengen dateng secepatnya. Keluarga oo gue ini uda banyak banget ngebantu pas bokap dirawat. Diusahain banget ngelepas lele, kasih dana, sumbang patung, intinya mengerjakan darma atas nama bokap. So gue ngerasa utang budi banget dan sekarang kondisi kayak gini, jujur gue tadi juga sedih banget. Sebenernya gue sama oo gue ini ga sedeket itu sampe segimananya. Gue cuma ketemu sama oo gue ini kalo imlek, kita makan bareng, ngobrol bareng walopun cuma sebentar. Tapi, gue sedih. Kecampur dengan kebawa suasana dan inget bokap, inget utang budinya keluarga gue sama keluarga oo gw, dan kenyataan bahwa gue ga sempet ngunjungin dia di saat terakhir. Sedih banget. Gue ga nyangka gue akan ngerasain duka dalam waktu yang singkat berturut - turut. Yah, tapi rencana Tuhan itu yang terbaik. Semuanya pasti uda yang terbaik, jadi gue ga bisa ngeluh. 

26.12.2015 (2)

Three posts in a day woohoo :D

Seperti yang uda sempet dibilang di post sebelumnya, hari ini kita juga ngerayain ultahnya cici sepupu gue. Kita makan di Solaria, The Bale di daerah Daan Mogot. Actually gue cukup kaget ngeliat tempatnya karena ternyata di situ banyak juga tempat makan lain yang kayaknya lumayan kece juga. Tempatnya uda berubah banget dari terakhir kali gue liat. 

Well, pertamanya sih oke ya kesannya tapi pas makanan mulai muncul, mulailah banyak lalat berdatangan and it's super annoying karena jumlahnya ga cuma satu dua men. Ya kali restoran indoor gitu tapi banyak laletnya. Dan pas kita bilang ke pelayannya mereka kayak ga seneng gitu karena kita banyak komplen. WTH !! Ada bahkan pas cici gue minumannya dateng dalemnya ada laletnya, ya menurut lo lah ya. Pas dibalikin muka mbaknya uda ga seneng banget. Bener - bener ngga banget deh. Pantes aja restoranya sepi. Yaa, solaria emang uda terkenal ga bagus sih. Tapi kan gue pikir yang di sini mungkin ngga gitu, ternyata sama aja. Kayaknya yang punya solaria itu ciong deh, kayaknya ga ada yang bener aja dari cabang yang mana juga. 

Anw, biarlah restoran itu begitu, ga usah dibahas lagi. Besok kegiatan bakal padet banget. Rencana gue mau ke gereja sekalian kasih intensi misa buat doain bokap. Uda gue beresin kertasnya tinggal besok dikasih. Besok mau keramas dulu takut ga sempet gara - gara hari ini uda kemaleman *penting banget sih diomongin* hahahaha. Terus bakal lanjut acara 7 bulanan cipar gue. Akhirnya si koko uda mau punya baby. Dan katanya jenis kelaminnya cowok!! Sumpah, pas tadi koko gue bilang mau periksain kandungan gue bertanya - tanya uda tau belom ya jenis kelaminnya kok feeling gue anaknya cowok sih. Dan bener aja pas ditanya tadi anaknya sih menurut USG cowok!! Yeay, semoga bener sampe akhir hahaha. Terakhir, sorenya gue mau ngunjungin oo gue yang juga sakit yaa serupa sama bokap. It's not a good thing, tapi kayaknya prognosisnya sih lebih bagus dari bokap, but she's still in critical condition though. Dan karena gue uda kelar 7 hari bokap jadi gue bisa ngunjungin oo gue juga. Let's just pray for the best, Amen. 

Note of My Father

My father’s death is not something regrettable. I keep telling myself that we had done everything we could that we had no regret. My father’s friends, my friends, my family, I, had done the best we could do. Many people cared, they supported us, and did give hands on various things. And it made me realize thatwe are not alone, ever. If you’re in need, ask for help. You might not get it from everyone, but someone will help you.

I was shocked. I am someone who believes in superstition. I always have some certain feelings about things, whether it will go right or bad from the beginning. It’s not always true, but mostly they are. The first time I saw my father that time, I knew something was not right, that it would turn out worse.

I was shocked. I cried. I never see my father that weak before. I was so caught up with asking for help and discussing things with the doctors that I had no idea since when my father lost his consciousness. I was desperate. 

The surgery went well. But the impact was so great that the damage was beyond recovery. The only thing we could do was praying, prayed that miracle would come and save my father. I was worried and afraid, and even though I prayed and prayed, none of those really calmed myself. 

The second day, my father condition got worse. Every time we heard the explanation from the doctors, we always ended up losing our little faith. I saw my father, he got older quickly, his skin became saggy with some hyperpigmentation. I then changed my prayer, for him to fight the best he could there, and us to fight the best we could here, and let the best plan of God to take place. 

The next day, my father passed away. One other thing that reminded me not to regret things was because I was there, from the beginning till the end. I held his hand as his heart stopped beating. I was there.

My request was to take him home, back to his beloved alma mater. There we received lots of help and support. At first I always thought that my father was an ordinary man, ordinary doctor. He was. But, during the time at the funeral house, I realized that he was an ordinary man with extra kindness. That simple kindness he gave every time made everyone who came cried with this loss. So many people came and gave help, and it just showed how much my father was and is loved. 

My father ever told me, be nice, but never let people fool you or take you for granted. Be cautious, because not everyone is nice, but never let it stop you to do the kindness. And if you’re ever fooled, take it as a lesson, don’t hold grudge. Everything that’s meant to happen will do. 

Lastly, there is one thing that I keep thinking. I never properly show or tell my father how much I love him. My family is an awkward one that doesn’t really know how to show how much we care for each other. The first time I ever hold or kiss my father was when he was in ICU. I held his hand and kissed him every time I could, standing beside him, telling him stories, hoping he would wake up and give me reply. Whenever I held his hand, I always thought he would move a bit to squeeze mine back. Even though it never happen. 

And that’s another lesson learnt through this incident. If you ever love someone, you should show it. There’s nothing shameful for expressing your love. Even if it doesn’t lead you anywhere for now, it will, one day.

I’m really thankful for :

• dr. Adrian and the team from ED, especially Nurul and Ibnu, who swiftly helped my father during his critical period.
• dr. Meidy who helped me get in contact with prof. Eka so that my father could go on surgery safely. 
• dr. Linda who gave me suggestion and helped me decide things for my father. 
• dr. Alex and dr. Irene who helped my father by giving him the best facilities he could get in just short period of time.
• My friends, especially Adhitya and Evelyn who helped me take care of my father when he was in ED. And those two with Arden, who came to visit me and gave me lots of support.  Really big thanks for them. 
• My father’s friend from (and around) badge ’79 for giving us lots of support in various form. 
• Others who cannot be mentioned one by one. 

I’m sure my father was really happy to see so many people cared for him and his family. This is what he gets from being kind everyday in his life as much as possible. Therefore, be kind!

26.12.2015

Wooww, ternyata post terakhir gue agustus 2014. It's been ages, literally, hahahaha. Pertama gue uda lupa sih kalo gue punya blog, so yeah, gue ... lupa. After a while, setelah gue mendekam di rumah, akhirnya gue buka - buka tumblr gue lagi dan gue nulis - nulis disana (well, writing makes me feel better) yah gue semacam teringat kalo gue punya blog dan apa salahnya gue buka lagi dan nulis lagi di sini. Even though sama kayak di post gue terakhir, blog mungkin uda ga hit kayak dulu, sekarang jamannya orang - orang pake vlog! Tapi this is the way I try to make myself feel better. So, gue nulis lagi. 

Lots of things happened and changed. Hari ini adalah 7 harinya pemakaman bokap gue. Well, kalo diceritain lagi satu - satu mungkin gue bakal keinget dan nangis lagi. But, long story short, tanggal 13 kemaren di saat kita mau jalan - jalan buat beli baju xin jia dan ngerayain ultah bokap (which was just 5 days before) tiba - tiba bokap kena serangan (which I still feel strange about it, until now). Gue ngeliat nyokap keluar kamar tiba - tiba nangis dan gue liat kondisi bokap yang uda keliatan banget hemiparesis. Gue panik, jujur. Gue langsung telpon ambulans, gue cek kondisi bokap sebisa gue. Akhirnya bokap dibawa ke IGD Atma Jaya. Sebenernya gue pertama berharap dengan kondisi bokap kayak gitu, bokap cuma kena CVD non hemoragik (stroke penyumbatan), but it was something else. CVD hemoragik (perdarahan otak). It's worse, the outcome of this is much worse. Gue uda tau dari awal it's not gonna end good. 

Luckily, di Atma Jaya (AJ) mungkin karena mereka kenal gue dan bokap juga alumni sana, kita dapet banyak banget bantuan. Kita langsung dapet ICU, bisa langsung CT scan, tanpa harus seribet itu ngurus - ngurus administrasi. Sayangnya, bedah saraf satu - satunya di sana ga bisa lakuin tindakan. Gue ga mau ngomong kalo aja dia bisa, mungkin hasilnya lain karena bokap gue langsung dilakuin tindakan (operasi). Gue juga ga tau jelas alesannya apa, dan gue juga uda ga mau tau sekarang. Banyak gosip beredar dan gue ga mau nyalahin dia juga kenapa ga bisa melakukan tindakan saat itu. Yang pasti karena beliau berhalangan, gue dibantu banget sama tante Meidy, temen bokap, buat kontak sama prof. Eka dan akhirnya bokap dioperasi sama tim prof. Eka malemnya langsung. 

Kita uda ngelakuin segala yang bisa dilakuin dalam jangka waktu yang segitu dan ga ada yang perlu disesalin. Gue juga uda nemenin bokap di ICU sebisa gue, selama ada waktu besuk, gue stay di sana. Ngeliat bokap gue di ICU, itu salah satu yang bikin sedih sih. Bokap gue bener - bener keliatan lemah, tua. The moment gue dan nyokap ngeliat hasil CT scan ulang paska operasi, area infarknya bener - bener luas, it beyond recovery. Teoritis, gue tau harapannya bokap gue bangun itu hampir mendekati nol. But, we prayed, a lot. Bokap gue bertahan dua hari lah di ICU. Kejadian hari minggu, hari senin kita ngeliat ga ada progress, hari selasa kondisi bokap mulai menurun. Bokap uda perlu obat untuk mempertahankan fungsi jantungnya. Hari rabu pagi akhirnya bokap meninggal. 

It was so fast. I almost couldn't believe it. Tapi gue berasa banget bokap masih ada. Berasa banget, waktu pemakaman dan hari - hari awal. Gue emang agak sensitif urusan beginian. Dunno why, tapi gue bisa berasa aja. Gue ga bisa ngeliat bentuknya tapi gue berasa. 

Hari ini uda 7 hari dari pemakaman bokap. Tadi subuh kita doa, bawa makanan sembahyang, bakar duit- duitan yang uda kita bikin kemaren, plus baju sama sendalnya papa. Ya, harapannya biar sampe ke sana apa - apa yang kita bawain buat bokap. I just hope that he's happy now. 

Sebenernya gue sempet bikin post tersendiri tentang cerita singkat kejadian bokap kemaren (lebih lengkap yang disini bahkan). Plus ada quotes pelajaran yang gue ambil dari kejadian ini. Mungkin ini turning point gue. Mungkin ini yang bakal bikin gue dewasa ke depannya. Gue belajar jadi orang yang lebih baik dna positif, kayak bokap gue, dibandingin sama orang yang penuh dengan ego. Banyak temen gue yang perhatian dan ngebantu gue banget selama bokap masih di rumah sakit sampe akhirnya ada acara - acara di rumah duka. Bahkan sampe udah selesai pemakaman, banyak yang masih nanyain kondisi gue, ngajak ngobrol gue supaya gue ga berasa sepi. Dari yang emang biasa ngobrol sampe yang jarang ngobrol pertamanya terus jadi banyak ngobrol. Well, it helps a lot. 

So thank you semuanya.  Gue akan post tulisan gue yang sebelumnya gue post di tumblr juga setelah post ini.

Have a good holiday everyone, hari ini cici sepupu gue ultah, besok cici ipar gue bakal baby shower 7 bulanan cyin, dan besoknya suaminya (koko sepupu gue) bakal ultah juga. So let's pursue life and live to the fullest :)